The Zombie Option

"The Zombie Option"
FAX THIS TO YOUR ELECTED REPRESENTATIVES AND DEMAND THAT THEY INTRODUCE IT
IN THE 112TH CONGRESS!!!

A CONCURRENT RESOLUTION

A Concurrent Resolution to establish a National Day of Ceremonial Voodoo
intended to expunge the treacherous misdeeds of centuries of narcissists,
dilettantes and special interests; to awaken a hunger for fresh souls within
the pits of Hell: and to engorge the shaft of Democracy with the coursing
blood of Liberty.

WHEREAS: The United States Congress freely and openly recognizes that
zombies are real.

WHEREAS: A Zombie, properly and necessarily conjured by the People of The
United States, in their wisdom, would be cool to see.

WHEREAS: A Zombie, properly conjured and endowed by it's creator with an
insatiable hunger for the flesh of Oligarchs, Plutocrats, Charlatans,
Philistines, Lying Power-Whores, Spineless Dilettantes, Gutless Narcissists
and otherwise Empty-Suited & Ideologically Bankrupt Pussies of all stripes,
would necessarily be seen by the people as an undead champion of public
service and defender of the Constitution from beyond the grave.

WHEREAS: The United States Congress has never officially recognized the
substantial contributions of the undead to the American story.

WHEREAS: No concrete data exists regarding the flesh-eating capacity of a
single Zombie, thus the United States Congress must act to encourage the
conjuring of several Zombies.

WHEREAS: Thomas Jefferson, James Madison and John Adams would totally shit
their breeches if they saw what a sniveling pillow fight the republic has
become.

WHEREAS: Passing this off as some kind of ‘National Day of Prayer" was the
only way to get it past Inhoffe, Ensign and the rest of the God Squad.

WHEREAS: Zombie Founding Fathers exacting a bloody revenge is really strong
symbol upon which to base our respective re-elects: Now therefore, be it
resolved by the House Of Representatives ( the Senate concurring),

SECTION 1. A NATIONAL DAY OF VOODOO CEREMONY AND PRAYER FOR THE PURPOSE OF CONJURING ZOMBIE VERSIONS OF THOMAS JEFFERSON, JAMES MADISON AND JOHN ADAMS TO DEVOUR THE FLESH OF CERTAIN OF THE ELECTED REPRESENTATIVES THEREBY ENSURING DOMESTIC TRANQUILITY, PROMOTING THE GENERAL WELFARE AND SECURING THE BLESSINGS OF LIBERTY TO OUR SELVES AND OUR POSTERITY.

            a. Procurement and Conjuring of the Zombies-The President of The
United States will in consultation with The Congress and subject to the
approval of the House Committee on Para-Patriotic Activities, create the
office of Zombie Czar and appoint it's chairman. Pending approval of the
Congress, The Zombie Czar shall then lead the American People in a day long
ritual whose effect will be the creation of the Zombie Founding Fathers.
            b. Mandate of the Undead-The Zombie Czar shall empower his
undead minions to walk the earth and pray upon the weakest and most foul of
our officials for not more than thirty days from the time of the founding
fathers emergence from their respective crypts. Furthermore, any additional
Zombie Purges or additional Zombies conjured into service must be approved
by the House Committee on Para-Patriotic Activities.
            c. Recognition of the contributions of Undead Americans-The
Architect of the Capitol shall design, procure and place in a prominent
location in Emancipation Hall in the Capitol Visitors Center a marker, which
acknowledges the significant contributions of Undead Americans to the
American story.

Brandon Phillips is a tenured fellow at the think tank Floating Brain
Global Solutions, visiting scholar at FreedomWorks, winner of the Idi Amin
Dada Perfect Attendance Award at the Ugnadan Culinary Institute and senior
strategist for TeaParty.org's "Knee-Jerk-Assoles Project"