Osama Dick Dale-Rock & Roll History's Missing link
09/09/2009
Osama Dick Dale-Rock & Roll History's Missing link
Excerpt from the upcoming book, "The Porky From New Yorky's Guide to Weight Loss and Positive Mental Health.
THE PORKY STAPLE- THE BOWL OF BEANS
Ingredients
1 . One 15.5 oz can of light or dark red kidney beans
2 a teaspoonful or nice dollop of curry powder
3. 4 packets of duck sauce(from a Chinese take out restaurant)
4. 4 packets of spicy mustard(as above from a Chinese takeout)
5. a healthy dollop of catch-up
6. a light sprinkling of pepper
Directions:
1. Strain a can of beans in a colander and then put it in a microwaveable bowl
2. ad all of the above ingredients and mix it up
3. microwave for 2 minutes
4. take out of microwave
5. drink two large glasses of water
6. take bowl and sit down in front of TV watching a moderately interesting thriller or drama
A Porky as I explained earlier in the book is a person who feels a strong sense of entitlement. This entitlement is not one of an arrogant nature-but is the reflection of the internal torture a porky feels as he daily tries to grab his 15 minutes of fame(he wants more) or spends at least 15 hours a day thinking about it. In my particular case I had spent 20 years trying to recapture my radio glory of yesteryear failing miserably but trying at least mentally every day to get back there. It was at this time my dear friend, world-renowned rock critic Mark Jenkins suggested I try to get a job at XM radio. I talked to the Program director, at the time a fellow named Dave Logan-and in his best am style-he said," show me your stuff. Just the challenge a "Porky wants to hear," the year was 2002-a turbulent time in America with terrorism on everyone's mind. Well to make the long story short-I had by chance known Osama Bin Laden's younger brother(Kamal) who was a fellow student in the Foreign Service School at Georgetown(this was the early 70's). Without going into to much detail I managed to hook him up with this "hot blonde" in exchange for surrendering his apartment on "W Place" in Glover Park. His date was a success--- we remained in touch over the years and I thought-I can get an interview with Osama-this will certainly get me a show on XM Radio!! Dave Logan told me it sucked(typical radio douchebag)-the FBI visited me and I almost spent a few summers at Guantanamo Bay. But this Porky soldiers on-Now for the first time ever-listen to this amazing interview and
discover the answer to one of Rock Music's many mysteries!!
Osama: Hahlo, Hahlo (Middle Eastern accent)
(Engineer) Bruce: I don't think we can wait.....
Steven: Okay, okay (pause) okay, okay
Osama: Whom am I speaking? Identify yourself, Infidel.
Steven: (laughing) Today we have a very exciting show. After a long and hard negotiation through several third parties, we have lined up an interview with ...
Osama: Hahlooo?
Bruce: Here he is Steve, here he is.
Steven: We have lined up an interview with the FBI's most wanted, Osama bin Laden. In our pre -negotiations, we were surprised and amazed to find out the real grievances he has with the American people. Uh...is that you, Mr. bin Laden?
Osama: Yes!
Steven: Mr. bin Laden, I am delighted and a bit stunned...
Osama: To whom am I speaking? (suspicious)
Steven: My name is Steven, Mr. bin Laden. I am a friend of uh Mr. Farley who is a friend of the uh grandson of the uh Saudi Arabian Prime Minister. (fumbling to make something up.) But let me say, Mr. bin Laden. I am delighted and a bit stunned. The whole world thought that the Middle Eastern radio and television station Al Jazerra would be the one to get to interview you. Instead you have given this worldwide exclusive to us. Can you tell me why? Why are we so lucky?
Steven: Are you there? Are you there?
Osama: Hahlo?
Steven: (laughing) Are you there Mr. bin Laden?
Osama: One moment please. (talking to someone in the background) Kamal!
Steven: Okay. (talking to audience) Apparently it sounds like we are in touch with a cave in Afghanistan. We are making landmark history here.
Osama: (heard talking to his brother Kamal in background.) Listen carefully. I want the following doughnuts. (with an urgent tone in his voice giving a command) I want to get a dozen. I want two jelly. I want to get two chocolate iced. Some of the Bavarian cream, and I want another one....I think they are maple flavored, and the others are iced all over with the things on top. (thinking for the English word.)
Osama: "Sprinkles." Lots of sprinkles. Please.
Steven: It sounds like we do have a transmission. It sounds like we've made a connection, based on this recording; it's got to be in a cave somewhere. It's just got to be in a cave.
Osama: (drawling his voice in politeness) You have to excuse me. I am under a lot of stress. It gives me an appetite.
Steven: But again, Mr. bin Laden. Sahib. Tell us why you chose to come to our network here, at the XM Network, when you could have gone anywhere else? Why did you come to us instead of Al Jazerra? That is the big question?
Osama: Well. There are several reasons. My relationship with Al Jazerra , like everyone else, soured because at the last interview I did for them, they did not live up to their commitment to provide me with: three cases of Perrier, 15 bowls of M&M's, (red and yellow only,) 2,000 pounds of Bulgarian caviar and enough shish kabob to feed the 200 men, and you ask for five white women dressed as American police women for the entertainment.
Steven: (stunned) Excuse me? White women dressed up as police women?
Osama: (solemn) As Muslims we must be fully covered. However, my men need some entertainment, and the decadent entertainment is what you in the West specialize in.
Steven: Okay. Okay. I can understand that. I see. Why did you consent to be interviewed by the XM Network when you were being seriously pursued by ABC, CNN, MSNBC and CBS?
Osama: I wonder if you have any idea, how hard it is to get fair representation in your Western media. This is a serious choice I must make to get my word out. I was slightly partial to CNN as I have great admiration for Paula Zahn, but the Infidels who run CNN would not give to my demands. I was hoping she would interview me in a swimsuit. However, I did choose XM because it has some admirable qualities. First up, I am aware that your show has played music from all over the world, and you have played the songs I have written. Many times. Particularly, my world wide smash "Miserlou." Secondly, your station has the greatest representation of all kinds of music with a good selection of world beat sounds, and what the world does not know is that I am first a musician and great songwriter, not a freedom fighter or a terrorist. I am misunderstood. I am misrepresented in your media.
Steven: Yes. Hello. We are still here with you. Please go ahead. I (sound of machine gun fire.) We can still hear you. (more gunfire) Sahib Osama. Mr. bin Laden. Okay.
Bruce: We've got him back.
Osama: After a long, long negotiations with your crafty CEO there, Hugh Panero, we worked out a deal in which I give him a new round of financing, (to the tune of 30 million I might add,) for which I have promised my own station called bin Laden Network. 24-hours of Koran readings, belly dance music, Turkish bouzouki music, Arabic music and environmental sounds. (gunfire in the background.) You know I just love the sound of cows mooing in the morning. Of course, the many tunes I have written, especially my greatest hit "Miserlou," stolen by that Infidel, second rate bouzouki player, third rate surf guitar player, Dick Dale.
Steven: Dick Dale? Can you tell me about Dick Dale? Tell me about your relationship with Dick Dale.
Osama: (laughing) Oh don't worry. I can tell you about Dick Dale. Listen. Well get to that story in a minute. Ah. Further. My poor friend, my good friend, Hugh, also promised me five female interns of my choice and remote broadcasting. I can't very well come to the United States, now can I? (gunfire and beeping.)
Steven: Are you there? (beeping) Engineer? How are we doing there? By the way, this show is being orchestrated by Bruce, the engineer here, well known in music circ....
Bruce: The transmission seems to be getting faulty...Uh...
Steven: See if you can bring him in.
Bruce: There's some interference from some "a" wire stuff.
Osama: Who is this Bruce person?
Steven: He is just the engineer Osama. He's an engineer. That's all.
Osama: Is he CIA operative?
Steven: No. No. He's a technician. He's here to...
Osama: He's clean-shaven, I'll bet.
Steven: (laughing) He's here to see this interview goes well. Please move on. Talk. Tell us what your thoughts are.
Osama: I don't want you to forget that you promised me 1,000 pounds of Ben & Jerry's ice cream, flown to my hide out in Hindu Kush Mountains every three...uh...did I say Hindu Kush Mountains? I meant to say Kandahar (drawling word out. Kandoooohaaar.)
Steven: Kandahar. Okay. So. Osama. You don't mind if I call you Osama, do you? Is that all right?
Osama: That's all right, under the circumstances.
Steven: (more gunfire in the background) So what's the story with Dick Dale?
Osama: You don't know our customs and our way of addressing, so it's all right. I will bear with it to get my story out.
Steven: Tell me your relationship, or the story with Dick Dale.
Osama: (gunfire) Well you're not going to leave it alone, are you? But in the mid-sixties, Dick Dale and the Del Tones were on a Mid-East tour of the Hilton and Intercontinental Hotels and my band, bin Laden's Lamb were the house band in the Phoenica Hotel in Beirut where, when this American Infidel, Dick Dale, got the gig and there we were, promptly told that we would be the opening act and lost our status. You can imagine that a Muslim man, like myself, with loss of pride. This was a hard pill to swallow. In any case, I befriended Dick and showed him around the red light district and turned him on to the Turkish delights, chars or, as you say in America, "hashish." It was on a night with the full moon. We took our camels and we went to the desert. We imbibed some chars, and I played him a beautiful song I had written about my camel, "Serti." Dick told me that night (gunfire in background) it was the most beautiful song he had ever heard (gunfire) He was like a brother. Then he left and went back to the States and betrayed me. The rest is history. "Miserlou" is my song. The West must know. It's not a question of money. It's a question of pride!
Cue to song "Miserlou" sung in Arabic.
Steven: ....and of course, when Pulp Fiction came out....(cue to Dick Dale's intro of "Miserlou.")
Osama: Very funny. (angry) I am not amused. You're laughing, but to me it is like a spear through my heart. I remember when that film came out. A prime example of your Western decadence. I had to see it three times just to make sure my eyes were not deceiving me. And when I left the theatre....I was so angry. I was boiling. You dissed me. And when I saw your battleship in the harbor? I commanded that one of my boat's ram into it. ("Miserlou" still playing.)
Steven: Let me ask you another question, Osama. Since I see that it's a particularly sore point for you...
Osama: It's more than a sore point.
Steven: I realize that, so I was thinking we'd move on to another question. Tell me. The Jews. Why do you hate the Jews, Osama?
Osama: I don't hate the Jews. Some of my best friends are Jews. There are a very funny people. They keep a little humor. They..uh...we need that here in the desert wasteland of the Middle East. As a matter of fact, at my wedding, to my sixteenth wife, Henny Youngman was the entertainment. I loved that guy. We spent many hours laughing. He almost convinced me to have a circumcision. Can you believe that? (incredulously)
Steven: Quite something.
Osama: In fact. His big joke. His main line, "Take my wife," is now part of the Muslim dialect. It's a great joke we have together when rich Muslims with many wives get together, over some chars, and drink a little too much Turkish coffee, we say to each "Take my wives...PLEASE."
Steven: You claim in this Al Qaeda press release that we received, that many of your other musical ideas were stolen, Osama. Can you give me a further example?
Osama: I can tell you more stories of injustice than the 1,001 Nights. But there was a time in the early eighties when your superstar, Prince, or whatever that Infidel calls himself now, looked me up. Of course he came to Osama. I am known as royalty in the pop world of the Middle East. I offered him a cultural tour of the Pyramids and the many mosques we have. But all this man wanted was to hunt for women. He said to me, "How can you tell what they look like, all covered up?" I told him, "We go by the ankles. We "read" the ankles. And. By the "walk." I told him the most sensual women of the Middle East are the Egyptian women. Whenever we see a hot babe walking by in a burka, we say, "She walks like an Egyptian." So what does he do? He writes a hit song, and he gives me no credit. I call for a fatwa on him.
Steven: I can see, Osama, that there is definitely a lot of bitterness you have, and that apparently if what you say is true, you deserve a certain amount of retribution.
Osama: I wonder if you have any idea? But listen, I've got to get going here. The old clock on the wall says "it's time to go."
Steven: Osama, I'd like to thank you for (gunfire) spending this time with the XM Network and giving this exclusive interview and uh letting us know (gunfire) exactly what does fuel the fires. I can hear some gunfire in the background. What is that, Osama?
Osama: That's the cue to get out of town. They hunt me like an animal (gunfire) But never will they catch me. I've got to go now, but I'll tell you, (yelling) I NEED MORE BEN & JERRYS. AND THE COMPLETE THIRD SEASON OF THE SOPRANOS. (gunfire followed by loud explosion)
Cue to Who singing "I Can See For Miles."
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