LOOK AT LIFE / COCO HAMES

Hungover and shoppin' in  Disneyland with Thoroughly Modern Minnie.

By Coco Hames

I don't know how I could get so drunk sipping wine with civilized adults at Jem's dad's 60th birthday party in California.  Everything is fine, I am behaving and engaging in fine, normal conversation with the elderly, and then, bam.  Black-out drunk.  I woke up on the couch.  Not where I belong.  I am hungry, but all I can do is scowl at the refrigerator, and think vaguely of fish tacos.  I had some Sprite and am now fadoodling around the Internet, Googling Macau, and pretend shopping.

Pretendshopping is going on fancy websites and selecting everything I think should be in my wardrobe.  If I had a wardrobe, that is, and not a battered rolling suitcase which acts ascloset, medicine cabinet, library and general store (Oxford commas... I don't use them, I don't think).  One time I so thoroughly pretend shopped that the total was $22,000.  It was a lot of stuff, but stuff I'd use.  Really good boots, high quality sweaters, etc.  And then, you know, a puce Alexander McQueen ball gown fashioned entirely out of feathers.  

I do not enjoy shopping, as in regular-style shopping, as in going to the mall or trying on clothes.  I get VERY tired, very quickly.  I am far too sensitive for shopping.  All the marketing ads, the colors, the shapes, the chaos.  Pass.  I do my shopping safely from my computer.  And then, bonus, stuff arrives in the mail for me!  Christmas! 

There is a song that always pops into my head when I must consider replacing worn out sailor shirts and ripped up jeans.  I'm pretty sure the song is called "Shoppin'" but I'll have to look it up.  It's from 1987's Totally Minnie, a piece I remember being a television special?  Not a movie, not a series, just a one-off Disney thing?  I guess it's pretty obscure, but I think I remember owning a VHS copy of it?  Or one that we'd taped from TV?  Here's what I remember: the main character is the lead nerd guy from Revenge of the Nerds, Susanne Somers is involved, and Elton John does "Don't Go Breakin' My Heart" with an animated Minnie Mouse.

Here is how Totally Minnie writer Joie Albrecht describes it on imdb.com:

"This live action film features a Nerd who, in desperation, goes to the "Minnie Mouse Center for the totally un-hip". There he learns how to dress, dance, and most importantly - be himself. The film features an original music video with Minnie Mouse, in new animation, integrated into live action footage with Elton John singing "Don't Go Breakin' My Heart."

Anyway, the number that goes down in "Shoppin'" (which I'm watching on YouTube right now) is exactly how I feel if I ever have to go shopping.  Insane.  Stuff and stuff and crazy girls going crazy everywhere.  And the song, by the way, makes no sense to me.  It didn't in 1987, and it doesn't now.  Not lyrically, not musically, not structurally, no way, no how.  "Shoppin'" helped me learn how to shop like "Donald in Mathmagicland" helped me learn math.  In that, it didn't.  At all.

Interesting piece of trivia: It was during the recording session of this special that Wayne Allwine (Mickey's official voice since 1983) met his wife, Russi Taylor (Minnie's official voice since 1985).  That's cute and you know it.  Aw, Wayne Allwine passed away just recently, in May.  R.I.P. and sincere condolences to Russi.  Oh my God, Russi and I have the same birthday!  And Wayne's is the same as my mom's!

Now I'm just clicking on everyone who was in Totally Minnie.  People are so weird.  People, not me.  This is a perfectly acceptable way to fight a hangover, a completely reasonable expenditure of my time.

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Blurt "co-co-editor" Coco Hames fronts The Ettes - Hames on guitar, Jem Cohen on bass and Poni Silver on drums - whose album Look At Life Again Soon and EP, Danger Is, were released by Take Root. Their new Greg Cartwright-produced album Do You Want Power hits stores Sept. 29, and you bet we're gonna have a big feature on the band in our next issue!